Common reasons for neurodivergent children to struggle at school:
Sensory Overwhelm:
Schools are noisy, bright and crowded. Assembly is in a big hall, full of bodies, songs and noise. Corridors are bright and busy. Uniform is uncomfortable and restrictive. Bells are shrill and loud. Equipment often has to be shared, and can be messy, disorganised and dirty. Pencil tops might be chewed. Toilets are often smelly and busy and you're not allowed to go when you need to. There may be piles of papers and books and you have very little control over where your belongings are kept. The dining room smells of food you don't like, and other children sit too near you whilst talking with their mouths full. There is food on the floor and sometimes it's been trodden on and squashed. The playground is busy, crowded and loud.
Stimming:
Children do things that help them regulate. They might repeatedly brush their hair, carry a cuddly toy, hum, clap, tap, etc. These are things that make them look "weird" to their peers or might draw negative attention. They might stop doing these things to fit in (masking), but then it is far more difficult for them to self-regulate, leading to more anxiety and meltdowns at home.
Surviving playtime and unstructured parts of the day:
Not being able to make or keep friends. Not understanding the politics of friendships. Being naive and trusting. Coping with one friend but not a group dynamic. Not being able to play loud, fast-paced playground games. Having nobody to play with and having to stand at the side or walk laps around the playground. May be bullied.
Masking:
Children hide their true selves and conform to meet peer and teacher expectations. They observe others and copy their behaviour, acting all the time, suppressing their natural behaviour. They may lose sight of who they are. They may be exhausted. They may be frightened to speak in case they say the wrong thing.
Inability to conform/ PDA (pathological demand avoidance)
Their fear of losing control is so huge, that the child is unable to deal with demands being placed upon them. Driven by anxiety, this looks like defiance and can get them into trouble.
Academic expectations:
SATS, GCSEs: league tables are massively stressful for schools and they are driven towards improving results. This leaves little time for promoting harmonious relationships, self-esteem or mental well-being. The system can become a factory and all the children need to fit the mould.
The "One-size fits all" argument:
Schools or teachers often say, "If we do it for one, we'd have to do it for everyone"
It's easy to criticise schools for saying this. But I've been a teacher with 30 children in a small classroom and it is a challenge to treat them as individuals.
If you've got more than one child, you will be familiar with what happens when one perceives the other to have something different (and therefore inherently better) than what they have. Children are incredibly good at sniffing out unfairness and injustice and if a peer is allowed something that they are not, it's seen as unfair. But what if it would be impossible to allow everyone to have this thing (or reasonable adjustment).
As a Headteacher, I've had parents in my room demanding to know why their child is not allowed to do something whilst someone else's child is, or why their child has to wear a tie whilst someone else's child does not. Only a very inclusive school that openly talks about equity and meeting needs can combat this effectively and it's a never-ending balancing act.
It is totally possible but a school needs to be committed and open to making changes to their culture. Many changes that work for neurodivergent children also work for neurotypicals and everyone can be a winner.
Sometimes you find that you have successfully made a reasonable adjustment for a child (eg relaxed the uniform policy) only to find that you have drawn attention to this child who has been desperately been trying not to stand out.
Challenges with communication:
not understanding the words
confusing body language (are they cross?)
not understanding sarcasm/ tone of voice (are they angry or excited?)
too many instructions- may only remember the first
taking things literally
being so anxious that they literally don't hear the words, or it sounds like a foreign language
Difficulties with peer relationships:
Not being able to make or keep friends. Not understanding the politics of friendships. Being naive and trusting. Coping with one friend but not a group dynamic. Not being able to play loud, fast-paced playground games.
Difficulties with teacher relationships:
Most teachers enjoyed school and find it hard to understand why anybody wouldn't. They say, "Just go and play" when the child is lonely in the playground as if just running around will get you friends.
Children might misunderstand a teacher's tone of voice/ body language. Many neurodivergent children are utterly terrified of getting into trouble and so teachers are frightening figures.
Lack of autonomy/ control:
School is unpredictable. Children are powerless. They can't say no, choices are limited and humiliation can feel only a second away.
Anxiety:
They don't want to be in trouble and sometimes they're not sure what might get them into trouble. E.g. They don't ask to go to the toilet because you're not supposed to, so they don't drink water all day.
Behaviour:
Children that are dysregulated might shutdown: they may be unable to answer questions, they may freeze. This can look defiant and rude. Alternatively, they may meltdown which can look violent and might damage property or others.
Separation anxiety:
This goes beyond not liking to leave a parent. They are literally panic-stricken at the idea of being separated. They do not feel safe.
Hyper-empathy:
Might look like an over-reaction to a book/ film in class. They "over-feel" emotions. They may cry and this may invite negative attention.
Fear of losing control:
Meltdowns and shut downs are impossible to control and are horrible. Nobody wants that to happen in public and the fear of standing out is huge. This can dominate their thoughts all the time.
Being unpopular:
For much of childhood, especially early teens, the idea of being different is terrifying. You need to fit in and have friends. You may not have any friends, wear the wrong clothes, listen to the wrong music, know random facts that you tell people about, not be socially aware, not finding jokes funny, enjoying academic work... All of these things make it impossible to be "cool" and popular.