Who am I?

As a parent, I have lived through the EHCP process twice, including appealing to the first-tier tribunal.

I understand about children that can't flourish at school, and those that mask their true selves and try to fit in with their peers' and teachers' expectations.

I have experienced from both sides - as a parent and as a Headteacher - what happens when a child's mask slips, and they simply can’t cope anymore.

For some schools, a child’s "sudden" struggles are a genuine surprise. Remember, a child who has been masking is actively working on not standing out, on not drawing attention to themselves, and so when it finally becomes too much and their attendance or behaviour takes a dive, the school may struggle to understand what has caused this “sudden” meltdown, or shutdown.

Meanwhile, parents who might have been living with the impact of their child's masking for years, will often be frustrated by the school's lack of pace and urgency in putting in support; by the number of times they will hear the phrase, “they’re fine in school” or “there’s never been a problem before”.

This is when relationships between schools and parents can suffer. Conversations that should be supportive, become arguments about attendance and parenting, rather than what can (and should) be done to help the young person.

Both school leaders and parents often lack an understanding of what the law around SEND is. Many don't know what duties are on a Local Authority in these situations, and Alternative Provision is frequently misunderstood or not even discussed. School leaders don't know what has gone wrong or how to "fix it"; scared parents can't physically force their traumatised children into school. Pressure builds, and nobody wins.

At a time when the professionals should be helping, they are often taking actions which are counter-productive, not because they are unkind, but because they don't know what else to do, and they are under enormous pressure from the DfE.

If I hadn't lived through this myself, I might have not have understood the difficulties faced by the neurodivergent, or the impact of masking. I would have assumed that children should just go to school, and that parents should just be able to get them there. The reality of school-based trauma and of autistic burn-out is very different.